Valentines Day… again

valentine__s_card_2_by_zarisla

So This Is Valentines Day…again

So this is the day the Lord hath made: I finally paid off my huge loan this week which is good, but it only left me with $30 after paying all the household bills. My portion of the rent is due tomorrow which is $275, but I only have $30 since my roommates haven’t paid their portion of the household bills. If they paid me the $228 each I would have enough to pay rent plus buy some groceries so my cat and I could eat this month. So I could keep my cell phone running. So I could buy a new pair of reading glasses. And then there’s the unbelievable reality that since I’ve looked everywhere for my Sansung tablet which was a Christmas gift from my roommates last year, it has been stolen by one of only four friends I have here in Jefferson City. I have such a love/hate relationship with this place. Mostly hate.

So this is Valentines Day. The only person who unfortunately still has ransom on my heart has been out of my life for 14 years and will never know how much I miss him every day. Even though my daughters cannot believe I still love him and I have every reason to hate him, I hate myself more.

“Looking back on the things I’ve done, I was trying to be someone – play my part, kept you in the dark… now let me show you the shape of my heart.” (those damn Backstreet Boys haunt me with too many songs which constantly run through my head with their saccharin truth.)

So I’m broke. So I’m near homelessness. So I’m lonely with friends who rob me. So I made a commitment a long time ago to be honest to whom I am. So who I am is really not the wonderful Wally I once thought I was.

I

 

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